What to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving (and What Not To)

Grief makes good people go silent. We want to help, we're scared of making it worse, and so we send one text and then avoid them in the grocery store. The grieving person notices. Silence is the loudest thing people hear after a loss.

If you're a follower of Jesus, this is one of the most important things you'll ever learn to do, because it's exactly what He did. When Lazarus died, Jesus didn't arrive with an explanation. He arrived, and the shortest verse in the Bible records what happened: Jesus wept (John 11:35). He knew He was about to raise the man. He wept anyway, because His friends were weeping.

What helps

• Show up. In person, if you possibly can. Your presence says more than any sentence. Job's friends got one thing right before they started talking: they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him (Job 2:13).
• Say the person's name. "I'm so sorry about Mark." Grieving people are often starved of hearing the name; everyone else is avoiding it.
• Say something true and small. "I'm so sorry." "I don't know what to say, but I'm here." "I loved how she laughed." You don't need wisdom. You need honesty.
• Ask about them, and let them talk. "What was he like when you were kids?" Then listen for as long as they want. Grief needs to be spoken, repeatedly.
• Do something specific, don't offer something vague. Not "let me know if you need anything." Instead: "I'm bringing dinner Thursday, lasagna or curry?" "I'll mow your lawn Saturday." "I'll pick the kids up from school this week."
• Keep showing up. The casseroles stop after two weeks. The grief doesn't. Put a reminder in your phone for one month, three months, and the first anniversary, and reach out each time.

What not to say

Most of these come from a good heart and land like a slap. Avoid:

• "Everything happens for a reason." Even if you believe God is sovereign, this is not the moment, and it isn't your reason to give.
• "They're in a better place." Maybe true. Still their person is not here, and that is the entire problem right now.
• "God needed another angel." Not in the Bible, and it makes God the one who took their child.
• "I know how you feel." You don't. Even if you've lost someone, you don't know their grief.
• "At least…" Anything that starts with "at least" is an attempt to shrink the loss. Don't.
• "You're so strong." It tells them they're not allowed to fall apart in front of you.
• Any explanation. Job's friends were fine until they opened their mouths. God later said they had not spoken of me the thing that is right (Job 42:7).

If you've said one of these, don't panic. Go back and say, "I think I said something clumsy the other day. I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to say and I wanted you to know I care." That repair will mean more than if you'd said it right the first time.

What the Bible actually says about comfort

“Blessed be God… the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3–4 (KJV)

Comfort isn't an argument. It's something you receive from God and then pass on, mostly through presence. The Bible's instruction is simply weep with them that weep (Romans 12:15). Not fix them. Not cheer them up. Weep with them.

And Christians do grieve with hope: that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). The hope is real, and it's the resurrection. But notice the verse says sorrow not as those without hope. It does not say don't sorrow. Let them grieve. The hope will be there when they can hear it, and they'll usually ask.

If they ask you about God

Sometimes, often weeks later, the grieving person asks: Where was God? or Do you think she's with Him? Don't rush. Answer honestly and briefly, out of your own faith, not a script: "I don't understand why this happened. I do believe God is close to the brokenhearted, and I've found that to be true." (That's Psalm 34:18.) Offer to pray with them, right there, if they'd like. Most people say yes. If you're not sure how, this is how to pray when you don't know what to say.

Then keep being their friend. Loving a city, it turns out, is mostly this: showing up for one person at a time, on the worst day of their life, and not leaving. If you want to learn to do this well with others, LoveonHamilton.com goes out every week to people who are hurting.