How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You (Even If They Never Say Sorry)
It's the hardest thing Jesus asked of us, and the thing He talked about most often. What forgiveness is and isn't, why it's for you too, and a practical way to do it when the other person will never apologise.
Somebody hurt you. Maybe years ago, maybe last week. A parent, a partner, a friend, a boss, a stranger. You carry it around, and the carrying is exhausting. And now you've started following Jesus, and He keeps bringing it up.
He really does. Right in the middle of the prayer He taught: forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors (Matthew 6:12). Peter asked Him how many times he had to forgive, hoping the answer was seven. Jesus said seventy times seven (Matthew 18:22), meaning stop counting. This is not a side issue to Him. Here's how to actually do it.
What forgiveness is not
- It's not saying it didn't matter. Forgiveness only exists because something real was done. Minimising it is the opposite of forgiving it.
- It's not forgetting. You may remember it for the rest of your life. Forgiveness is about what you do with the memory, not whether you have it.
- It's not trusting them again. Trust is rebuilt by the other person's actions over time. Forgiveness is given; trust is earned.
- It's not reconciliation. Reconciliation takes two people. Forgiveness takes one. You can fully forgive someone you never speak to again, and in cases of abuse, keeping distance is often the wise and right thing.
- It's not a feeling. It's a decision you make, and then keep making, until the feelings slowly follow.
What it is
Forgiveness is releasing your right to make someone pay. It's handing the debt to God and saying: You deal with this. I'm putting it down. That's exactly what Paul meant: Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord (Romans 12:19). Forgiving doesn't mean nobody will deal with it. It means you won't have to.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:32 (KJV)
Why Jesus insists on it
Two reasons. The first is that you've been forgiven more. Jesus told a story about a servant forgiven a debt of millions who then choked a coworker over pocket change (Matthew 18:23–35). Next to what God has forgiven you, every debt owed to you is small. Not nothing. Small.
The second is that unforgiveness is a poison you drink yourself. Bitterness, the Bible says, is a root that springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled (Hebrews 12:15). It spreads: into your marriage, your kids, your sleep, your body. Forgiveness is how you stop the person who hurt you from hurting you every single day after.
A practical way to do it
- Name it honestly. Write down what they did and what it cost you. Don't soften it. You can't forgive what you won't look at.
- Tell God the truth about how you feel. Anger, included. The Psalms are full of it. He can handle it.
- Decide, out loud. "God, I choose to forgive ___ for ___. I release my right to make them pay. I hand this to You." Say it even if you don't feel it. Especially then.
- Pray for them. Jesus said to (Matthew 5:44). You cannot keep hating someone you keep sincerely praying for. It's almost mechanical.
- Repeat when it resurfaces. It will. That's not failure; that's seventy times seven. Each time, decide again.
- Get help if it's deep. Serious trauma deserves a counsellor and a church family walking with you. Forgiving isn't something God expects you to do alone.
When they never say sorry
Most people who hurt us never apologise. If forgiveness waited for that, most of us would carry our wounds to the grave. Jesus didn't wait: on the cross, with no apology from anyone, He prayed Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34). Forgiveness that depends on their repentance isn't really in your hands. The kind Jesus taught is.
Put it down today. Not because they deserve it. Because you've been forgiven, and because you're tired of carrying it. If you're not sure where you stand with God yourself, start with what happens after you say yes, and if the words won't come, here's how to pray when you don't know what to say.
Quick answers
Frequently asked questions
Does forgiving someone mean I have to trust them again?
No. Forgiveness is releasing your right to make someone pay and is given by you alone; trust is rebuilt by the other person's actions over time. You can fully forgive someone and still keep healthy distance, especially where there has been abuse.
How do I forgive someone who never apologized?
Name honestly what they did, tell God how you feel, decide out loud to release the debt to Him (Romans 12:19), pray for the person (Matthew 5:44), and repeat the decision whenever the hurt resurfaces. Jesus forgave from the cross without any apology (Luke 23:34), so forgiveness does not depend on the other person.
What does the Bible say about forgiving others?
Jesus taught His followers to forgive as they have been forgiven (Matthew 6:12), without keeping count (Matthew 18:22), and told the parable of the unforgiving servant to show how small others' debts are next to what God has forgiven us (Matthew 18:23–35). Ephesians 4:32 says to forgive one another as God in Christ forgave you.
Is forgiveness a feeling or a decision?
A decision. You choose to release the debt even while the feelings are still raw, and you keep choosing it each time the hurt comes back. The feelings usually follow the decision over time, not the other way around.